Jon’s Blog --- Winter 2010
10 Thoughts About Parenting…
I wanted to write about parenting this month…because no matter how much you think, talk, or write about this subject --- it never seems like enough. So here are 10 things I wanted to share with parents:
# 1: The first thing I want to share is that all of what you do, say, not say, think, etc. does make a difference….even if your kids tell you that they do not care what you do, say, or think.
# 2: The big and the little things matter to your child.
# 3: …and the little things are the big things to your child.
# 4: Our job as parents is to keep our children safe. In an effort to do so they may not agree with our decisions, and they may not even like us for our choices. But we need to always remember that safety is paramount and accept that adhering to this as a priority can be challenging --- especially when our child is continually voicing their displeasure and haranguing us to change a decision.
# 5: It is so hard for most young people to ask directly for help. To admit that things are not good or that they are not feeling good about themselves or their world is challenging. Youth may be happy to discuss what is going well in their lives, but may be very reluctant to discuss the difficult and dysfunctional parts of their lives. Parents need to be on the lookout for signs that their children are struggling and learn the language to encourage them to share what they are thinking and feeling --- even if these are areas of discomfort or angst. Some of the most courageous youth I have ever known are those who can admit that they need help.
# 6: Our children judge us by our actions, yet we as parents judge ourselves by our intentions. In fact, most everyone judges themselves by their intentions, and most everyone judges others by their actions….and this differential is the reason behind a significant percentage of disagreements, upset, anger, and/or fights.
# 7: When your child has a bad day, you as a parent probably will have a bad day too. What I mean by this is that when your child is grapping with a significant matter and they are struggling, it can mean that their internal storm can be directed outwardly at parents. Or if we are fortunate, we simply observe that they are having a tough time. We need to be resilient and accept that our children might be non-communicative or that they may treat us harshly because of their “internal storm”; and that we have an obligation to be resilient and to not take things (too) personally.
# 8: Moreover, when your child is having a difficult time, this can cause significant stress between parents.
# 9: While you may give up on your child on any given day --- let’s call this “the battle” ---- never articulate this to them and never give up “the war.”
#10: Our children are a lot of things --- but mostly they are wonderful and unique…and overall we would not trade this parenting experience for anything in the world!